Sex Punishing Cooper (BJ Lotto Book 2)
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At the same time, some of the people who come within my working definition of intimacy may never have known each other well—much less loved each other.
Some people who deceive an intimate exploit their intense familiarity with each other, and some people who deceive an intimate exploit their unfamiliarity with each other. People who dated briefly or had sex once fall within my definition of intimacy because courts treat them as intimates. One remarkable aspect of the law governing deception within supposedly intimate relationships is that this body of law extends to regulate many abbreviated and superficial interactions.
In contrast, courts tend to define intimacy narrowly when considering deception in p. I also follow courts in focusing on relationships as they existed when the deceit took place. By the time litigation begins, the parties often do not consider themselves to be intimates any longer and they are likely to be divorced or divorcing if they were once married to each other.
I define deception as intentional acts or omissions—including statements, deeds, and silence—designed to make another person believe something that the deceiver himself does not believe to be true. I derived this definition from the large philosophical and social science literature discussing the definition of deception. Adopting a consistent definition of deception that does not turn on whether a court has reached a legal judgment that the defendant deceived the plaintiff allows me to capture a fuller picture of how the law regulates intimate deception, including by denying claims.
To conclude that an intimate was deceived does not necessarily mean that the intimate had a right to the truth, that the deceiver had a duty—legal, moral, or otherwise—to disclose the truth, or that the deceiver has no redeeming qualities and nothing to say in his own defense. Deeming an act or omission deceptive means only that the deceiver deliberately sought to mislead his intimate. For example, a person may have no obligation to reveal how much money he has, how he has been spending his time, what he has done in the past, or the state of his health.
He may even reasonably think that he is morally justified in lying about or obfuscating those facts. But he is nonetheless being deceptive if he intentionally misleads someone into thinking that he is wealthy, or attending school, or never married, or healthy when he knows all that is untrue.
Jill Elaine Hasday
I will insert an explanation about pronouns here. I considered using either masculine or feminine pronouns exclusively throughout the book, but was concerned that such an approach would lead readers to lose sight of the reality that both intimate deceivers and the people they deceive can be male or female. Ultimately, I decided that I would sometimes use male pronouns and sometimes use female pronouns when no sex-neutral pronoun is available. I will note when a particular type of deception—or litigation about a particular type of deception—appears to have a sex imbalance, with men or women more prominent as deceivers or deceived.
When someone deceives by lying, she intentionally makes a statement—verbally or in writing—that she believes is untrue, but wants her target to think is true. However, lies are hardly the sole form of deception. Deliberate omissions with intent to mislead can perform the same functions as lies and may be a much more prevalent type of deception.
Here, a person refrains from revealing information because he wants his intimate to believe something that the deceiver thinks is false. For every adulterer who has lied by falsely denying infidelity, there are probably many more people who have intentionally misled their spouses by not disclosing unfaithfulness. Intentional omissions designed to mislead may be such a popular form of deception because they can offer deceivers many advantages over lies.
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Some deceivers may be more comfortable rationalizing their behavior to themselves when they deliberately mislead through omissions rather than lies. At the same time, deliberate concealment can be both easier to accomplish and more useful than lying. Intentionally concealing information can be less taxing than constructing a convincing lie.
Similarly, a deceiver may find it easier to remember that she purposely withheld information than to recall the details of a lie she told.
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In addition, deceivers may believe that their target is more likely to discover evidence that unmasks a lie than to discover evidence that reveals a deliberate omission meant to mislead. If an intentional omission is uncovered, moreover, the deceiver may be able to pretend—in or out of court—that his failure to reveal information was inadvertent, whereas pretending that a false statement was accidental may be harder.
Deception can also take myriad other forms, including half-truths, exaggerations, distortions, and misdirections. Indeed, the potential manifestations of deception may be innumerable given the ingenuity of some deceivers. Even literally true statements can be deceptive if the speaker makes the true statement for the purpose of leading the listener to a false conclusion. Recognizing what does not constitute deception is equally important. Consider an intimate who makes a promise or announces a plan intending to fulfill it, but then changes his mind.
Such reversals can inflict significant injury—and there are many intriguing questions about how the law does and should respond to this kind of injury that I could explore in another book. But if a person meant to carry out his promise or plan when he declared his intentions and then did not mislead his intimate about his change of mind, the injury does not p. Instead, the injury stems from the change of mind itself. Similarly, the simple fact that a person has remained silent about something does not necessarily mean that she has been deceptive.
A person might not reveal information to an intimate for many reasons. For example, the person may have forgotten about it, assumed the intimate was not interested, mistakenly thought she had already revealed the information, or wanted to keep certain subjects private and not discuss them.
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It is impossible to tell someone else everything that one thought and did every day. Moreover, people who are determined to avoid deceitfulness do not need to reveal everything they possibly can to their intimates. Failing to convey information is deceptive only when the person stays silent because she wants her intimate to believe something that the deceiver herself believes to be false. Accordingly, a person is not deceptive when he makes a false statement or conveys a false impression because he believes the statement or impression to be correct.
A mistaken or deluded person may be objectively wrong and his error may harm others. Yet there is no intent to mislead if the mistaken or deluded person believes the same propositions that he is trying to convince the listener to believe are true. Some people who are mistaken or deluded about the truth might be engaged in self-deception—probably the most common and the most intimate kind of deception of them all. And again, considering self-deception and how the law does and should respond to that phenomenon could fill another book. Deceiving others, however, requires an intent to mislead.
An abundance of intimate deception remains, even after recognizing these definitional boundaries. While working on this project, I have been asked about which kinds of intimate deception I find most surprising. No example surprises me anymore.
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Any topic that anyone might imagine—anything that might matter to one or both people in a relationship—has been the subject of intimate deception. The list is endless. This book examines both the social practice of intimate deception and its legal regulation, so I have focused the bulk of my attention on types of deceit that intimates have been most likely to bring to legal forums. There tend to be patterns to the sort of deception that leads deceived intimates to come forward despite the obstacles, expense, and public exposure involved.
For this reason, I am concentrating on instances of deception that succeeded in duping an intimate—meaning that the person subject to the deception was convinced by it, at least for a while, and thought that the messages the deceiver was conveying through his words, actions, or inactions were true. Moreover, deceit can wound someone even when she recognizes right away that her intimate is trying to dupe her. But intimate deception usually causes less injury when it is uncovered immediately, and intimates who were told a lie that never fooled them have been much less likely to seek legal redress.
For example, both the deceived intimate and her deceiver may appreciate and benefit from some quotidian examples of deception, such as insincere compliments on appearance or accomplishments. Indeed, interacting with an intimate who refused to offer insincere compliments, hide temporary annoyance, or feign interest in your daily activities could be harsh and unpleasant for all concerned. Here too, Mark Twain made the point well. Yet intimate deception is often not mutually satisfactory. It is hardly surprising that such rationalizations appeal to people deceiving their intimates.
In short, there is a tremendous amount of deception within intimate relationships to consider. Little research has directly targeted this subject.
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But empirical investigations conducted for other purposes—along with evidence revealed within legal cases and first-person accounts such as memoirs or p. One obvious topic of deception within intimate relationships is infidelity. For example, four studies examining large, nationally representative samples all found substantial percentages of respondents who admitted to having committed adultery during their marriages, with the figures ranging from The existing research focuses on infidelity itself, rather than deception about infidelity, so these large-scale studies do not ask respondents whether they have been deceitful to conceal their infidelity from their primary sexual partner.
But it is probably safe to assume that such deception is common, although not universal, among the sexually unfaithful.
However, infidelity is hardly the only subject that people deceive their intimates about. We can start by considering other issues linked to sexuality that are recurring topics for intimate deceivers.
A review consolidating the findings of sixty-seven studies from across the globe found that typically 1. In addition, over a quarter But numerous first-person accounts and lawsuits feature men who deceived their intimates by denying or concealing that they had fathered a child.